First, Happy Thanksgiving! I hope we are all creating great memories with family and friends (if able). And for all my foodies, I hope your food is the bomb and your tummy is full 🤤
I finished my part of cooking late last night, so with the free time I had, I decided to write this blog post. This is me trying to be more consistent 😅
What I'm here for is to talk about how thankful I am this year.
It's about to get deep...
The Year 2021
I remember January like it was yesterday. I remember chatting with a friend about how I didn't want to have a baby this year (after declaring I wanted a baby this year all of 2020 🤣). Then a week after our chat, she found out she was pregnant. She in fact did not want to have a baby this year, so we laughed for weeks about how God had other plans.
January was a good month. It was my last one up until November...yea, I had a large gap in between.
February began with the worse anxiety attack I've ever experienced in my life. I can recall being crippled with emotion and feeling hopeless and worthless. It was a really rough thing to experience and took so much out of me that I had to sleep afterward. It's crazy being inside your own body while going through the motions. I can remember thinking to myself, 'pull yourself together,' 'breathe Janee,' 'calm down Janee.' It was like I was trying to coach myself, but I wasn't capable of getting it together. I don't know which was worse: going through it in general or going through it with someone around that couldn't help you.
The months of March to June were more routine. Which sounds like a good thing, right? Wrong. Have you ever hated everything about a routine? Sometimes you're doing it to better yourself and you don't like it, but you do it anyway. Like dieting. Other times it's just a routine you hate, period.
Before I go into that, let me just say I love my son. I love being able to watch him grow. Period.
Now, the truth of the matter is that I never wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom full-time. I like to consider myself an introverted extrovert. I enjoy being around people without always being around people. I enjoy getting fresh air but also relaxing at home. My life in Georgia was sans any semblance of extroverted living. I didn't know anyone (except my neighbor), go anywhere (except the grocery store), and felt suffocated by my routine: wake, eat, clean, run business, clean, eat, clean, eat, clean, sleep. And seeing the same walls all the time really started to feel like what I thought prison must feel like.
There wasn't anyone to talk to about it that could actually change my situation. After months of tears and depression, I decided to change my situation.
And now I'm in Florida. Pregnant. And living a single-parent life.
Truthfully, the first two months were a whirlwind. I would experience the highest of highs and some really low lows. I knew overall that I was happier, but it definitely wasn't happiness easily acquired.
After deciding to get back out and get a part-time gig I really started to feel better about getting out. Tristan even blossomed (he was not social in Georgia).
I'm tremendously thankful. I'm thankful for my two blessings (Tristan and Abby). I'm thankful for the strides I've made mentally, emotionally, and financially. I'm thankful for my therapist who encourages me to do great things for myself. I'm thankful for my family for loving me through my fluctuating emotions and for caring for me and my kids. Above all, I'm thankful to God.
None of these things would have been possible without Him. You see, I'm thankful for my struggles, my traumas. I'm my best version of myself because of the traumas I've faced in life. I truly don't know who I'd be without them. So, I thank God for them just as much as I do for my blessings.
What are you thankful for this year?